keep it r e a l. be in love with your life. every minute of it.

Friday, May 23, 2014

With it being graduation season, I have had some time to reflect on my post graduation year. What I realized, as I am sure every one else, This past year did NOT go the way I thought it would. At the time I had been dating some one for about a year, I had been accepted to Utah State University, the ONLY school I applied to, and I really had NO idea what I wanted to do. Part of me really wanted to go to USU, but the other part wanted to stay in Snowflake, AZ and wait until He (ex-boyfriend) graduated. Yes he was a grade younger than me. As the summer went on I worked and saved up money. I purchased my own car with cash, and started packing for Logan, UT. A couple weeks before I moved He broke up with me. Yes I was devastated! I thought that we were going to do the long distance thing and it was going to work. *I do not know what I was thinking*. My mother and I started the 12 hour drive from Snowflake to Logan. In the car I remember talking about what I wanted to do while I was up there are the things I thought would happen. **Disclaimer; I know these things are super stupid now, but bare in mind I had recently (2 weeks) turned 18. I was, and still am a baby** I remember telling her that I would probably meet some one and get married. (WHAT ON EARTH WAS I THINKING). I also had high hopes of making tons of amazing friends that I would keep forever, dating tons of cute guys and finding Mr. Right, going to all of the school activities, getting straight A's, growing my hair out super long, staying skinny, and plenty of others. I just thought so many good things would happen, nothing bad, and that college would be great. Guess what, not ONE of those things happened. I did date a lot at first, but got sick of it. I made a few really good friends, but not a ton! I am extremely BLESSED to have the people I do in my life. I went to one school dance and it was only for the concert, I didn't even go into the dance. I went to a few sports games, but I usually went alone and sat alone. I chopped all my hair off in September when my mom came to see me. I gained about 50 pounds, yes it is okay, you can cry with me. Given when I graduated I weighed a little over 90 pounds. The weight was MUCH needed. TONS has changed since.

One year ago me on 24 May 2013 (graduation day): 17 years old, weighed 91 pounds (I remember weighing myself, which was not unusual because I did every day multiple times a day, and thinking "man I really need to stop doing this to myself"). I ate no more than 400 calories a day, and if I ate any more I would throw it all up. I was in a relationship. I lived at home. Intended major: Marketing.

Me today: 18 years old, weighing in at 124 pounds. I eat about 600-1000 calories a day, which is a huge difference for me. I exercise every morning. I have short hair. Working at Celebrations in Snowflake, AZ. I live in my aunt and uncles little studio apartment. I am now working on becoming an Art major. I will be submitting my portfolio in October. Best thing is that I AM NOT MARRIED! Wow, could you imagine throwing this burning mess into marriage. I am still trying to get my own life figured out.

I am sure there is a lot more I could add to both of those, but those seem to be the biggest changes in me. I am still very lacking in self confidence, but I am doing better. The past year I went through some of the craziest and life changing things. Events I never saw happening. I have been asked, what would you have done differently? To be honest. NOTHING. So what, things did not go the way I intended. I made some of the best friends of my life in the past few months. I have learned things, good and bad about myself. I would have never guess that I would love to paint as much as I do. I would have NEVER thought that I would be an art major at a university. Year ago me would have told present me, you are crazy, that is not very realistic so don't do it. One thing I have learned is that you shouldn't do things that don't make you happy. That realization did not come easily. I am still reminded daily of that. Now that I am begging to do things for myself I am slowly becoming happier. I am extremely thankful for the trials that I have had to overcome, or that I am overcoming. I am also really grateful for the supportive family that I have; they are just so good to me. I am no where near where I want to be but I am a lot closer than I was one year ago. Needless to say, I am OK with where I am at. Happy, comfortable, or any other more positive adjective would not describe it. I also feel like if you are comfortable with where you are at you won't move forward as much. I am excited to see where I am in a year from now! I am not going to be setting unrealistic goals or having any crazy idea of what this next year might be like. Instead I am going to take it one day at a time. Setting daily goals to get me to my monthly goals which will get me to my yearly goals. You just have to take it one day at a time, and be accepting that things probably will  not happen the way you plan.


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